My Dearest Butt Glue,

You came to me at the most inconvenient time in the year. I’ll never forget the first time we touched. I was afraid to make contact, afraid that you would steal my time and consume my life. You were quiet and cool to the touch, something I did not expect. I embraced you for the first time on December 12 at a Christmas party surrounded by our friends. They all encouraged the meeting and thought we’d be great together. I wasn’t so sure, I thought you only stuck to pageant queens and bikini models. I didn’t realize that you were also attached to middle aged authors, but you proved that theory wrong and we were good for a time.

Your presence meant that I had to devote my time to making you happy which was something I didn’t think I could do. It was practically a requirement to allow you to cling to me and demand my time. I was afraid of being overwhelmed because the rest of the month was over-scheduled by things like shopping, wrapping, decorating, and entertaining. Family came to town and my daughter turned Sweet 16 during our time together adding more tension to our little liaisons. It was all very stressful and I regret not being able to devote more time than I did. I hope you can forgive me for that.

It would seem that my letter is full of regret and sadness but if I’m being honest the pull of your essence was more powerful than I expected. There were many nights when I had to leave my husband sleeping peacefully in our bed so you and I could do our thing. Your strength held me steadfast to the chair at all hours of the day and night. You helped me to work my time around all of the commitments I had and give you some of what you needed which in turn gave me what I needed. With your quiet and continued encouragement I was able to produce 27,000 words which is quite the feat considering all of the distractions. Thank you for that my sticky sweetheart.

I know by the way this letter has progressed that it seems I’d find a way to make it work for us, to prolong our time together, but that’s just not the case. I know that you can do better. In fact, as I say goodbye I have another person in mind to introduce you too. Don’t be sad that I will be handing you over like I would any other item at my house. Be glad that someone else will benefit from your clingier tendencies and actually love you for you.

Goodbye my sweet Butt Glue, you were useful for a time but now I must move on. Although I love what you did for me I never truly loved you. I hope you find the connection you have been looking for with the next talented, beautiful person.


Tiffani Lynn (Member of SSRA)

SSRA Blog Contributor

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