I have to file a complaint about the Butt Glue Project. Does anyone have a name of the monster who invented this horrendous product? I have been misled, misinformed, and consummately tricked by the Mermaid Muse Butt Glue Manufacturing Society. Take this Butt Glue, they said. Apply it generously and you will never have a case of Writer’s Block while you are smeared in its gooey white ribbons of gentle inspiration, they said. “For the Novice and Expert alike,” the packaging boasts. “We cannot assure you a spot on the NY Times Best-Seller List, but you will feel like you made it after just one application of Butt Glue.”
Lofty words for a simple white bottle of glue.
Fiddle-faddle, I say! Snake oil of the highest level, I rant! Okay, I followed the directions – not quite to the letter, I’ll admit, but, hey, it’s only Butt Glue, right? Its purpose is to spur creative juices and keep a procrastinating writer in his or her chair, as they purport in all their advertisements, right? Nothing can go wrong.
On the first day of receiving this so-called “wonder of writers the world over,” I read the directions. Carefully. More than once, I might add, in case I missed something. “Apply a thin layer to ample bottom of lazy writer and allow to become tacky. After five minutes, apply another thin coat to writer’s chair. Allow to set for ten minutes, and then carefully apply bottom to chair, aligning the layers of glue for maximum inspiration. Words should begin to flow within the hour.”
In less than three minutes, my fingers hit the keyboard and typed away on my current WIP, a historical romance. Just as my mind entered the English countryside and I considered all the scenarios and predicaments I could throw my H/H into, another idea flowed into my thoughts. Flowed is too mild a word. Pushed through like an invading mob, replete with pitchforks and flaming torches was more like it. A new idea for a story – a contemporary, this time – flooded my brain and burned my fingertips until I had to open up a new document on my laptop or else go insane from the clamoring in my head.
Oh, the dreaded white screen, open for possibilities! It is the writer’s bane and delight. What throes of passion will fill it in the days to come? What flowing narratives will grace its vast spaces? What conflicts and intrigues, tempests in teapots, tales of revenge and redemption, await? The title of this new piece of work came to me in seconds. Ditto the first chapter and the characters’ names. The first sentence – usually, an elusive phantom that drives many writers to drink or overloading on chocolate – danced its way across the page. Er, screen. My WIP was forgotten. My Regency-era heroine and her overly dramatic problems was kicked to the curb to be worried about another day. The new story took precedence.
I carefully examined the label on the Butt Glue bottle. In fine print, way at the bottom beneath a logo of a happy writer gloating over her screen, were these words:
“WARNING: May cause bouts of inspiration, unexplained character arcs, subplots hitherto unthought-of, and eyestrain from staring at the computer screen from hours on end. Use with caution and do not even THINK about suing the Mermaid Muse Butt Glue Manufacturing Society. We have tough lawyers. Four of them.”
I am now into chapter three of my new new WIP. It is set in the English countryside, about 200 years after my other WIP. Humorous dialogue has crept into the pages, unlike the serious tone of my other story. The heroine in the new book is feisty and sassy; again the opposite of my historical heroine. The hero is still a hunk, but with problems my genteel scholar of the old WIP would never face.
Do I wish I never picked up the Butt Glue and started down a new path on a new story with more deadlines and angst to worry about? Should I have set aside the new ideas pulsing through my thoughts and left them for another day? Should I contact a lawyer and file a complaint against the conglomeration who created this devious glue?
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